My phone had rung and I answered it saying, “Happy New Year, Mom!” She was more peppy than usual, telling me about how her trip to L.A. was going. After a short chat with her, I heard my uncle yell in the background, “Kobe Bryant passed away! Helicopter crash.”

Stunned and in denial, I did a quick search online. TMZ had confirmed the story. I held on to the hope that it was a false report from a source I never really cared for, but it was true. All nine people perished in a chopper crash in Southern California.

I wondered why I was in such shock over this news. I’m admittedly not a big sports fan, so I didn’t follow Kobe during his playing days. Was it the fact that I was celebrating my birthday and Kobe and I were both born in 1978? Was it because his daughter Gianna was around the same age as my niece whom I love and adore?

I’m still processing this tragedy and feeling the feels. Every time I’m filled with sadness, I turn to writing to let the therapeutic process flow. I realized that death has taught me so much more about life — and truly living in the present moment.

Here’s a video diary summarizing my thoughts. I hope it inspires you to feel the feels and express your emotions the way that is best for you, be it writing, singing, being silent or walking in nature.

Celebrate every day like it’s your birthday and hug your loved ones like it’s their last day.

Xx
Toan

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The post Why This Non-Sports Fan Was Shook by Kobe’s Death appeared first on Go Inspire Go.

Yes, he killed himself. A gunshot wound to the chest at his home and he was gone.

I warn you, I am going to be blunt and tell the TRUTH in this blog because I’m tired of people sweeping the unseemly under the rug and being hush-hush when someone commits suicide.

It’s this very silence on this “taboo” topic, this turn-your-head-away-because-it-could-never-happen-to-me mentality that causes loved ones to be mental, maniacal, suicidal.

I was the first family member in California my sister Lynn contacted when the unthinkable happened at her home in Fort Myers, Fla.

Last Saturday, I thought it was strange my sister was calling at 1:30 a.m. her time. I will never forget the bone-chilling, screeching voice as my sister cried in an unrecognizable voice, “Chris [her husband] shot himself!”

I couldn’t understand what was going on. “What? Who is this?”

She screamed repeatedly, “Chris shot himself in the chest!”

Worried about my nephew Drew, 12, and niece Serena, 8, I yelled, “How are the kids?”

“They’re not injured. I need you here! The police are here,” Lynn shouted as she hung up.

Shock… helplessness… disbelief… grief… sent tremors through my body.

I scrambled to call loved ones to help me sort through the foggy madness. I needed someone to grab the kids, hold them and tell them they’ll be OK.

Thankfully, we got a hold of a couple of Chris’ best friends in Florida, Mike and Stephanie Letourneau, to quickly retrieve the kids to make sure they were in loving arms as the police investigation was underway.

I booked the next flight to Fort Myers and feverishly searched online for “How to help grieving children” and “How to explain suicide to kids.” I also called my psychologist friends, Dr. Gladys Ato and Dr. Ron Holt, for counsel. (I sure didn’t want to say the wrong things and thwart the healing process or cause more anguish.)

When I arrived in Florida, I hugged my inconsolable sister, niece and nephew and promised them we would get through this together because we have awesome, loving and supportive family and friends.

I notice the awkward interactions that usually ensue as folks tried to console my family. What do we do? What do we say? How do we help heal? What if we say something wrong?

Four days later, my sister’s neighbor told me she wasn’t going to tell her kids. I feel this hush-hush, don’t talk about it, skirt-around-the-truth mentality is what teaches our kids to silence their natural state, hold back and bottle emotions and creates this vicious cycle of dishonesty.

I thought, “If we don’t tell the truth, talk and cry openly, we are closing off the communication that heals us all during times of grief.”

I had to pen this blog to share the amalgam of learnings, research and tips from grief counselors (thank you to all the pros who mirrored this same message.)

1. Tell the TRUTH. Many folks don’t like confrontation and would rather tell half-truths, white lies or complete lies altogether. If you don’t tell your kids, or decide to tell them a partial truth, trust me, the truth will eventually surface. My niece told her other 8-year-old (and younger) friends, “My daddy shot himself. I am sad. I miss him.”

During this already confusing time of grief, if parents don’t tell the kids the truth and the kids found out from others, I believe this causes distrust and breaks the comfort and openness kids desperately need during times of distress.

2. When talking to kids about death, use simple, easy-to-understand clear words. Don’t say “passed away.” Don’t say “went to sleep.” It confuses kids. Instead consider saying “died” or “killed.” Be honest. Children will express grief in different ways. Some through talking. Others will act out, scream and shout. Here is a good resource on how to talk to kids of certain developmental ages.

3. Encourage them to express their feelings and cry. Don’t hide your emotions and tears. Let them flow. Tears do wash away some of the pent up anger, resentment and sadness.

I cried in front of my niece and nephew, but ran out of the house when I was about to burst into an ugly cry. My nephew (remember, he’s 12) ran out to hug and console me and said, “It will be OK, Uncle Toan.” My niece (remember, she’s 8) told my sister, “Mom, don’t be sad. I don’t want you to be heartbroken, you could die of heartbreak.”

Another time, my nephew shared, “I got you a gift. Remember, you really liked this candle at the boutique? I wanted to get it for you.” He knows my fondness for candles, apothecary stuff. He knew it would calm me. I couldn’t believe that in a time of grief, he was thinking of caring for me.

Listen to your kids, they can teach us so much!

I noticed my nephew and niece were able to process some of the pain better after they began talking about their feelings. I encourage starting off the dialogue by telling a story about the person who passed away. I also noticed funny memories helped create some levity and lifted their spirits.

Dr. Ato and Dr. Holt both strongly recommended getting my sister and her kids to a psychologist with experience in childhood trauma as soon as possible, as the success rate is significantly better the quicker they can get professional help. My sister was still in shock and looked like a zombie when I saw her. She was in no state to make decisions. So I booked them a session with a psychologist fast.

Things I told/asked them:
– It’s OK to cry.
– They said they were confused. I told them I was, too, and encouraged them to talk about it so we could help each other understand.
– How are you feeling after losing dad?
– What are some good memories you had with him?
– Kids undergoing the trauma of losing a parent or guardian worry about being cared for. So I told them my family and I will always be there to take care of them and talk to them through all of their troubles and mistakes.

4. Reassure and tell them it’s not their fault. One stage of grief is blaming ourselves or feeling guilty. When dealing with suicide, tell the kids, “It’s not your fault. It’s the disease in his head that killed him. Not you.”

5. Let them know they are not alone and we will get through this together. Again (it’s important to do this again and again) kids want to be comforted and know they will be taken care of. Let them know you’ll always be there for them.

6. Oxygen mask first. When you’re on an airplane, you’re reminded in case of an emergency, the oxygen masks will drop and you should put your mask on first before helping others. Remember, you’re grieving too, so practice self-care. If you’re not well, you’re not going to do a good job helping your loved ones.

7. Breathe… this too shall pass. It may be a good idea to set a timer on your cell phone to remember you to breathe and focus on the present moment and the things you’re grateful for during this time of distress.

8. As one of my favorite poets, the late Maya Angelou, once said, “There is always a rainbow in the cloud.” Trust me, grief is like surfing. It hits you in waves. In 2000, I lost four family members in a year’s time. It does get better. If you are present, talk about your feelings and work through your grief.

Here is an interview I conducted with my dear friend Marianna Cacciatore, a grief expert. I love how she explains how grief leads to love and generosity:

Here are some additional links to helpful resources:
–“Helping your child deal with death” (KidsHealth)
–“How to help a grieving child” (The Dougy Center)

* Special thanks to everyone who has reached out, prayed, donated food and resources, opened their home and continue to send their love. IT is lifting us and allowing us to see light during these dark times.

* If you would like to help support my sister’s family, a friend has set up a GoFundMe campaign.

As my niece says, I love you (all) beyond the universe and back.

Love and light,
Toan

The post How to Talk to Children About Suicide appeared first on Go Inspire Go.

If you’ve ever lost a parent, you probably dread Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and any other holiday that reminds you of your loved ones.

I lost my Dad to stomach cancer in 2001. That year was a blur to me as I lost Dad, Auntie and both grandmothers all in about a year’s time. I’m surprised I survived that experience. I hardly remember anything from that time. I can only recollect moving to L.A. to live on a friend’s couch and losing my voice for two months (that’s a big deal, if you know me, I LOVE to talk).

I can’t believe it’s been 13 years since the sadness and sorrow. The only thing worse is the burden of unfinished business with Dad that I too will have to take to my grave one day.

But this Father’s Day, I can finally say that I am at peace with Dad. Thanks to two friends — angels on Earth really — one of whom was a complete stranger who helped me let go of the unsettled business I had with pops.

I met Fiona “Love” Pattison at a castle during my friends Cathy Hue and Julian Shah-Tayler’s wedding in Durham, England. Yes, a real castle — what a fantastic backdrop for our friendship to develop. Our connection was even more magical. I knew she was an evolved soul. I felt like we’ve known each other since we were kids. We connected over storytelling, good deeds and our genuine love of all things artsy fartsy.

She said, “The world needs this now, more than ever. There is a shift happening. What you’re doing with storytelling and social media is really special.” Immediately, she vowed to help with public relations and spread the news of Go Inspire Go in the U.K. She pitched a story, connected me to the talented filmmaker Oli Cohen, and the rest was history. Here’s the story we produced about a fabulous couple who created a Compassionate Tea Movement:

That experience was extra special because so many lovely happenings manifested from our meeting. For the first time, I didn’t carry a camera with me during my travels. I wanted to produce a story about all the compassion that came out of the 2011 London riots before meeting Fiona, but, ironically, I had an accident where hot tea spilled and burned off the first layer of skin on my foot. There was no way I could carry gear and navigate the Tube. It was pure kismet that she pitched the same story and connected me to the interviewees and Oli!

Since this experience, we’ve been spirit siblings. No doubt about it. Connected at a higher vibration and level. Fast forward two years… I had a Go Inspire Go social media photo walk to meet some of our biggest supporters in the San Francisco community.

One viewer and fan, Michael Fullam, asked, “Wow, what do your parents think of your success?” I told him, although I created a global multimedia platform to highlight everyday humanitarians and leverage social media to inspire social change and action, teach multimedia and storytelling at two universities, and share my blogs on the Huffington Post and Intent.com, my mom didn’t really fully comprehend what I do. I replied, “I tell my mom I do stories about people helping people.” She still asks, in her adorable Chinese accent, “Oh, good. You make money yet?”

Michael asked me about my Dad and what he thought about this. I told him my father passed and doesn’t know about what I’m doing. “I’m sure he’s proud of you,” Michael assured me. This made me sad — yet another reminder of one of the last conversations I had with Dad replayed like a bad sitcom rerun in my head.

I told Michael that I quit my first TV reporting job to take care of Dad when I found out he had six months to live. I remember seeing him for the first time after moving back home. He was in the hospital bed. “Hi Dad, how are you?” I asked cautiously. A noisy clock’s second hand was ticking in slow motion. I expected him to embrace me, hug me, tell me he loved me and say he was proud of my accomplishments as a TV reporter. It felt like a smack in the face when he said, “When are you going to be a doctor?” Really? That is the first thing he was going to say to me? UGH! I realized nothing had changed.

The day after Michael asked me about my Dad, Fiona called. We hadn’t talked for about six months. She pinged me on Facebook and said she wanted to tell me something. We jumped on Skype. She told me, “I was putting the kettle on and got a hit. Your Dad wanted me to tell you that he was proud of you.” What the? How could this be a coincidence? #Chills

The second person who helped me process my father’s death was a complete stranger at the time. I met Gina Pell through my good friend and Community Heroes co-founder, Kala Shah. We met at a cafe/bakery in Ross, Calif. Gina offered to coach me about branding and business development.

She too asked me if my parents were impressed by the work I’ve been doing. I told her the same story I told Michael. She interrupted me and said, “Wait, did you ever think that your Dad was being sarcastic? I know that he was very proud of you. And he knows that you are a doctor now.” I was perplexed. “A Doctor of the Spirit. You have helped so many people reconnect to their spirit and see their power and help people,” she continued.

Tears ran down my eyes. We hugged. Instantly, more than three decades of the need to please my Dad and not feeling like I was good enough were lifted from me. I felt light. The tears washed away my sadness. Alas, I finally felt at peace with Dad.

Memories of conversations with the hospice nurse and priest my father befriended resurfaced. When I met them, they instantly knew who I was. They knew that I was a successful TV reporter, the youngest son, the kid whom he loved with every fiber of his being.

Before Dad took his last breath, he gave one last piece of advice: “We were all born with music in our hearts. It’s our responsibility to share it with the world before we die.”

I discovered that my melody lies in the heart of human communication. What brings me joy is connecting with people through reading, writing and talking. I share it with the world through Go Inspire Go. What music is in your heart and how are you sharing it?

This is one of the biggest spiritual lessons I’ve learned.

Here are five takeaways:

–I learned to forgive.

–I learned to make time for loved ones (even if you have to schedule them in) because life is fleeting.

–I learned that despite the cultural and generational barriers that got in the way of fully understanding our quirks, we did the best that we could.

-I learned that my father and auntie and both grandmothers will always be with me. Albeit not in the physical form, their values, spirit and goodness will live through me and my actions.

–I learned that I am their legacy… and my legacy will always be passed on through everybody who has been touched by my words, my voice and my story.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I know you’re up there, glowing with pride, smiling at me.

Onward!

Your son,
Toan, “The Soul Doctor”

P.S. Thank you to all my friends, you truly are angels — the light in my dark times.

Please share your thoughts and memories about “Dad” in the comments section or via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube.

Join our movement & Go Inspire Go…

The post Happy Father’s Day: Rest in Peace Dad, I’m Now at Peace appeared first on Go Inspire Go.