Yes, he killed himself. A gunshot wound to the chest at his home and he was gone.

I warn you, I am going to be blunt and tell the TRUTH in this blog because I’m tired of people sweeping the unseemly under the rug and being hush-hush when someone commits suicide.

It’s this very silence on this “taboo” topic, this turn-your-head-away-because-it-could-never-happen-to-me mentality that causes loved ones to be mental, maniacal, suicidal.

I was the first family member in California my sister Lynn contacted when the unthinkable happened at her home in Fort Myers, Fla.

Last Saturday, I thought it was strange my sister was calling at 1:30 a.m. her time. I will never forget the bone-chilling, screeching voice as my sister cried in an unrecognizable voice, “Chris [her husband] shot himself!”

I couldn’t understand what was going on. “What? Who is this?”

She screamed repeatedly, “Chris shot himself in the chest!”

Worried about my nephew Drew, 12, and niece Serena, 8, I yelled, “How are the kids?”

“They’re not injured. I need you here! The police are here,” Lynn shouted as she hung up.

Shock… helplessness… disbelief… grief… sent tremors through my body.

I scrambled to call loved ones to help me sort through the foggy madness. I needed someone to grab the kids, hold them and tell them they’ll be OK.

Thankfully, we got a hold of a couple of Chris’ best friends in Florida, Mike and Stephanie Letourneau, to quickly retrieve the kids to make sure they were in loving arms as the police investigation was underway.

I booked the next flight to Fort Myers and feverishly searched online for “How to help grieving children” and “How to explain suicide to kids.” I also called my psychologist friends, Dr. Gladys Ato and Dr. Ron Holt, for counsel. (I sure didn’t want to say the wrong things and thwart the healing process or cause more anguish.)

When I arrived in Florida, I hugged my inconsolable sister, niece and nephew and promised them we would get through this together because we have awesome, loving and supportive family and friends.

I notice the awkward interactions that usually ensue as folks tried to console my family. What do we do? What do we say? How do we help heal? What if we say something wrong?

Four days later, my sister’s neighbor told me she wasn’t going to tell her kids. I feel this hush-hush, don’t talk about it, skirt-around-the-truth mentality is what teaches our kids to silence their natural state, hold back and bottle emotions and creates this vicious cycle of dishonesty.

I thought, “If we don’t tell the truth, talk and cry openly, we are closing off the communication that heals us all during times of grief.”

I had to pen this blog to share the amalgam of learnings, research and tips from grief counselors (thank you to all the pros who mirrored this same message.)

1. Tell the TRUTH. Many folks don’t like confrontation and would rather tell half-truths, white lies or complete lies altogether. If you don’t tell your kids, or decide to tell them a partial truth, trust me, the truth will eventually surface. My niece told her other 8-year-old (and younger) friends, “My daddy shot himself. I am sad. I miss him.”

During this already confusing time of grief, if parents don’t tell the kids the truth and the kids found out from others, I believe this causes distrust and breaks the comfort and openness kids desperately need during times of distress.

2. When talking to kids about death, use simple, easy-to-understand clear words. Don’t say “passed away.” Don’t say “went to sleep.” It confuses kids. Instead consider saying “died” or “killed.” Be honest. Children will express grief in different ways. Some through talking. Others will act out, scream and shout. Here is a good resource on how to talk to kids of certain developmental ages.

3. Encourage them to express their feelings and cry. Don’t hide your emotions and tears. Let them flow. Tears do wash away some of the pent up anger, resentment and sadness.

I cried in front of my niece and nephew, but ran out of the house when I was about to burst into an ugly cry. My nephew (remember, he’s 12) ran out to hug and console me and said, “It will be OK, Uncle Toan.” My niece (remember, she’s 8) told my sister, “Mom, don’t be sad. I don’t want you to be heartbroken, you could die of heartbreak.”

Another time, my nephew shared, “I got you a gift. Remember, you really liked this candle at the boutique? I wanted to get it for you.” He knows my fondness for candles, apothecary stuff. He knew it would calm me. I couldn’t believe that in a time of grief, he was thinking of caring for me.

Listen to your kids, they can teach us so much!

I noticed my nephew and niece were able to process some of the pain better after they began talking about their feelings. I encourage starting off the dialogue by telling a story about the person who passed away. I also noticed funny memories helped create some levity and lifted their spirits.

Dr. Ato and Dr. Holt both strongly recommended getting my sister and her kids to a psychologist with experience in childhood trauma as soon as possible, as the success rate is significantly better the quicker they can get professional help. My sister was still in shock and looked like a zombie when I saw her. She was in no state to make decisions. So I booked them a session with a psychologist fast.

Things I told/asked them:
– It’s OK to cry.
– They said they were confused. I told them I was, too, and encouraged them to talk about it so we could help each other understand.
– How are you feeling after losing dad?
– What are some good memories you had with him?
– Kids undergoing the trauma of losing a parent or guardian worry about being cared for. So I told them my family and I will always be there to take care of them and talk to them through all of their troubles and mistakes.

4. Reassure and tell them it’s not their fault. One stage of grief is blaming ourselves or feeling guilty. When dealing with suicide, tell the kids, “It’s not your fault. It’s the disease in his head that killed him. Not you.”

5. Let them know they are not alone and we will get through this together. Again (it’s important to do this again and again) kids want to be comforted and know they will be taken care of. Let them know you’ll always be there for them.

6. Oxygen mask first. When you’re on an airplane, you’re reminded in case of an emergency, the oxygen masks will drop and you should put your mask on first before helping others. Remember, you’re grieving too, so practice self-care. If you’re not well, you’re not going to do a good job helping your loved ones.

7. Breathe… this too shall pass. It may be a good idea to set a timer on your cell phone to remember you to breathe and focus on the present moment and the things you’re grateful for during this time of distress.

8. As one of my favorite poets, the late Maya Angelou, once said, “There is always a rainbow in the cloud.” Trust me, grief is like surfing. It hits you in waves. In 2000, I lost four family members in a year’s time. It does get better. If you are present, talk about your feelings and work through your grief.

Here is an interview I conducted with my dear friend Marianna Cacciatore, a grief expert. I love how she explains how grief leads to love and generosity:

Here are some additional links to helpful resources:
–“Helping your child deal with death” (KidsHealth)
–“How to help a grieving child” (The Dougy Center)

* Special thanks to everyone who has reached out, prayed, donated food and resources, opened their home and continue to send their love. IT is lifting us and allowing us to see light during these dark times.

* If you would like to help support my sister’s family, a friend has set up a GoFundMe campaign.

As my niece says, I love you (all) beyond the universe and back.

Love and light,
Toan

The post How to Talk to Children About Suicide appeared first on Go Inspire Go.

Many people don’t realize this in their lifetime and die not knowing their power, or worse, not using it to better their lives and the lives of others. Unfortunately, I discovered this life lesson after losing four family members in about a year’s time. Fortunately, I paid attention and took action to make small changes that rippled out to big changes that shifted my life personally, professional and spiritually.

My wish for you this new year is that you take baby steps. Start by helping someone in need or volunteering. It doesn’t have to seem laborious or like something you check off in a long list of to-do’s. It should be inspiring and fun. Think about what you enjoy doing naturally.

For example, people who know me, know I like love to talk. For me, there’s no better way to use my power of connecting with everyday heroes, telling their stories to inspire you, the viewer to find your inner superhero power to help them.

I know this may sound kidlike, woo woo or a bit cray cray, but it’s true. Each and every one of us has the power to make or break someone’s day. It doesn’t matter how great your wealth, health or connections — you have the power. I believe this so much that during the throes of the economic meltdown in 2008, I decided to quit my “dream job” as a TV reporter in San Francisco to prove this theory.

My power: connecting with people. To take it a step further, I know that I can have a soul-stirring conversation with someone and uplift, inspire and change their perspective — and in many cases spark action within them, which billows out into the community.

A journalism brother, Archith Sehshadri, recently asked me what one word describes our power. He said, “My network.” I said, “Inspiring” people. On any given week about 5+ people message me saying they need some “Toan Time.” What a great compliment! When I left the news biz, I was dead set on testing this algorithm: Authentic Storytelling + Leveraging Social Media = Action.

More than 60 videos and 200 posts later, I realized this works. The impact is real.

One of our most popular stories is about Jorge Munoz, a.k.a. the “Angel in Queens, New York,” a school bus driver by day and real-life angel by night. For more than a decade, Jorge has devoted half his salary of $700 a week to purchase groceries that fill his tiny shoe box-sized apartment in Queens, New York. He and his family pour love into making home-cooked meals that he delivers each night in his white pickup truck to a subway stop to more than 150 people. No questions asked!

Other inspiring impactful stories include:

Reverend Alerte, who built a high school in his hometown of Grand Saline, Haiti, after the country was devastated by a 7.0 earthquake. This story created a movement that allowed 32 kids to attend school in Haiti.

Dr. Ron Holt’s story about spreading his message of awareness and compassion around the LGBT community inspired people to love their authentic selves and thwart suicides.

We also helped Phoebe Russell, who as a kindergartener enabled a local food bank to give out more than 200,000 meals in San Francisco.

The common thread in each of these stories is that the hero’s journey began with a small act that rippled out to meaningful (and sometimes big) changes.

Don’t think you have the time or money to help others? Meet Claire Lemmel, who used her smile to inspire connectedness and kindness.

So many people have said to me, “I wish I had the time,” or “One day when I make a lot of money I want to give back.” The truth is, you don’t need money or a lot of time to give back. You just have to take action.

Do one small thing to help someone. If you like books, use your power of the spoken word and volunteer to read to kids. If you like to garden, help upkeep or revitalize a neighbor’s yard. The key is to do something, anything that you enjoy and plant the seed.

So, what is your power? What are you doing to make someone else’s life better? We want to know! You just might inspire a movement…pow!

Follow us: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube.

Join our movement & Go Inspire Go…

The post New Year, New Time to Discover Your Power appeared first on Go Inspire Go.

Now that DOMA was declared unconstitutional, same-sex couples who are legally married in their respective states will soon receive federal protections and benefits, such as Social Security, health insurance and retirement savings.

The Supreme Court also dismissed an appeal over Proposition 8 in California, which will allow couples to legally get married without legal bias or discrimination in the Golden State.

Pause to celebrate equality and everyone who has been a part of the change we’re experiencing as a nation.

Personally and professionally, we all have the power to do something — big or small — about the inequity we see every day.

Here are four heroes Go Inspire Go is saluting to mark the momentous occasion:

Vincent Pompei, “Vinnie,” is someone I am proud to call a childhood friend. He is on the forefront of the fight for equality, working passionately and tirelessly to make schools a safer place for faculty, staff and students.

For the past four years, Vinnie, an educator and activist has organized the Center for Excellence in School Counseling and Leadership conference (CESCal), aimed at creating a safe environment for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) youth.

His list of accomplishments are admirable. He was named a Classroom Superhero from the National Education Association. He was named one of the Forty Under 40 by The Advocate magazine and was honored by Equality California, the largest statewide LGBT advocacy organization in California working to secure full equality and acceptance for LGBT people.

I recently had the honor of attending the CESCal conference, where I was able to witness his amazing work passion, inspiring energy and impact he’s had on students, colleagues and strangers.

One of the most important lessons I learned from Vinnie is that no matter your sexual orientation, what you say or don’t say is equally as important.

If you hear a student in your classroom say, “That’s gay,” and you don’t make that a teachable moment — other students will think it’s OK to use derogatory statements against gays.

A huge congratulations to Vinnie as he was just named Director of Adolescent Well-Being Programs for the Human Rights Campaign, the largest civil rights organization working to achieve equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Americans.

Dr. Ron Holt is another GIG hero we’ve featured. He’s a San Francisco psychiatrist on a crusade to inspire equality around the world through educating about the biology of sexuality and spreading his message of authenticity.

I met Ron after University of San Francisco Magazine profiled Go Inspire Go. Both Ron and I are fellow Dons. He sent me an email detailing how he was inspired by my passion around Go Inspire Go. We had lunch and became soul brothers on a mission to inspire compassion. This video is authentic and life-changing:

After we highlighted Ron’s story, he told us he was deeply touched by the authenticity of how we told his story. He told us our video saved lives of LGBT youth (who anonymously reached out to him after they saw this video to tell him that he inspired them to be at peace with their truth). The video also helped him get into the spotlight with more speaking engagements and got him invited to the White House!

Hopefully non-judgmental societal bias will soon follow with the help from high profile Hollywood couples.

I recently met and interviewed actor and gay rights activist George Takei, who is known for playing Hikaru Sulu in Star Trek.

George is full of calming energy, wit and wisdom. He is passionate about Japanese-American internment education and the message of equality for all.

“I felt I needed to speak out and let people know it’s OK to be who you are,” Takei said in his deep, commanding voice. “I wanted it to be in an authentic voice.”

When I told George about Go Inspire Go’s GIG Spark (Lessons on Compassion), he was on board.

George’s message: be true to who you are and treat others as you’d like to be treated.

When Ellen publicly came out, her mom quickly became a visible ally to the LGBT community.

Betty DeGeneres has been a strong PFLAG mom for more than 15 years and is the spokeswoman for the Care with Pride campaign, an initiative to educate and raise visibility on issues related to bullying.

“Clearly, what inspired me to be a strong advocate for safe, welcoming schools for all students — especially LGBT students — was my daughter’s coming out. We should do anything and everything to rid the world of these negatives,” Betty said.

When I told her that I was there to do a Go Inspire Go video on Vinnie’s admirable quest to inspire safe and inclusive schools, she seemed genuinely interested and wanted to know more about GIG. She was on the GIG bandwagon and wanted to share this GIG Spark message to parents and guardians who are blessed with an LGBT child:

You can see where Ellen got her kind spirit.

While we still have a lot of work to do for equality for all LGBT individuals — same-sex marriages are legal in only 12 states — America, I am proud of you.

The lowest common denominator of all this equality battle is simple — we all want love, to be loved and to freely love.

What are you doing to inspire equality? We want to know. Share in the comments section. We may just share on Go Inspire Go’s social media channels.

Take Action:
1. Feeling alone and isolated? Go to TheTrevorProject.org or call their toll-free & confidential lifeline: 866-488-7386
2. Be a visible and vocal LGBT ally and resource for young people.
3. Get involved! Information on National LGBT resources: Human Rights Campaign, PFLAG, The Trevor Project, GLSEN and GSA Network.

Follow us @GoInspireGo on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter & YouTube

The post Four Go Inspire Go Heroes Fighting for Equality appeared first on Go Inspire Go.

20-year-old Emerald Gwinner knows that feeling. She had a secret, but no one to confide in. Her story never would have been shared had Emerald put her fatal plans into action.

Emerald, who identifies as being bisexual, is a shy fourth-year student at Wayne State College. During high school she was teased and taunted relentlessly. The constant pecking led to plans of suicide. “I had a few plans…to end it,” she said.

“There would be whispers. In-between class, I would have to duck into the counselors office and wait until the bell rang just so I could make it to my next class,” Emerald recalled in a somber voice.

The whispers quickly escalated into shouting. “A kid in high school yelled across the hall and said if I slept with any guy, everyone would still know that I’m a lesbian,” Emerald said.

Thankfully, her plans didn’t go as designed. Music was not only an escape, it was her saving grace that, for the first time, gave her a sense of freedom. But what liberated her spirit to truthful heights was a complete stranger, Dr. Ron Holt.

Dr. Holt is an psychiatrist in San Francisco whose true passion lies in spreading his message of compassion by helping others better understand lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual (LGBT) sexuality through education. For the last 12 years, he’s traveled around the world, talking to more than 6,000 students and 1,000 physicians and psychologists.

“I firmly believe that education about sexuality can lead to better emotional and physical health,” Dr. Holt said adamantly. His talks cover a wide range of LGBT topics: religion, tips on how to come out, ways to react and support when someone comes out to you, and the science behind sexuality. He closes by peppering in his heartfelt personal story. A story which led him to his passion of educating others.

“My dad would say, ‘Look at the way you walk,’ and would call me names like ‘fag,’ ‘queer,’ ‘you’re never going to amount to anything in life,’ just horrible things,” Holt remembers sadly. He even went into hiding with his partner because of death threats from his father when Ron came out to him.

His courageous personal story resonated with Emerald. “The story about his dad made me realize that I was lying to myself and I realized it was ok to be bi,” she explained.

Dr. Holt admits when he first started presenting 12 years ago, he was afraid. Wayne is a conservative town of about 5,000 people. “I didn’t know if anyone would listen,” he said. Twelve years ago he would have about eight people attend his presentations. Last year most classes were standing room only.

Dr. Holt now works part-time so he can devote more hours to his passion project. Aside from spending his own money (to cover travel accommodations) and vacation time sharing his message, his inspiration goes beyond the audiences he enlightens. His community service work includes mentoring members of the LGBT PRIDE group at Wayne State College, working to endow scholarships for the Wayne State’s PRIDE group and donating money annually to help the group’s educational programs to raise awareness of homophobia’s impact on LGBT youth and beyond.

The impact — or ripple — can’t always be measured in time, money or any other metrics. However, you can witness change by meeting people he’s impacted — like the noticeable confidence you can see in Emerald, who is now a part of the Wayne State PRIDE group.

Although Emerald’s parents didn’t know about her sexual orientation, she volunteered to speak after I spent some time with the PRIDE group at a bowling alley during this shoot. She had only exchanged emails with Dr. Holt, who told her about my interest in covering this story. “If I can save one life, it will be worth it,” she said as she shook my hand and smiled.

I wonder how many Emeralds are out there — with so much life and such a valuable story to tell. I also wonder how many people are out there who have been bullied and don’t ever get to share their stories.

I hope this story inspires people not to judge and to think before you act. If you or someone you know would like to support or collaborate with Dr. Holt’s mission, visit his website at www.audacityofpride.com.

Take Action

1. We judge because we don’t know. Your actions can help or harm others.
2. If you’re being bullied or have thoughts of suicide, there is hope. The Trevor Project is a national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBT youth.
3. If you’re an educator and want information and inspiration about bringing compassion to your school: National Educator Conference focused on LGBT youth: Cescal

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The post Anti-Gay Bullying: Standing Up for Truth appeared first on Go Inspire Go.