Yes, he killed himself. A gunshot wound to the chest at his home and he was gone.

I warn you, I am going to be blunt and tell the TRUTH in this blog because I’m tired of people sweeping the unseemly under the rug and being hush-hush when someone commits suicide.

It’s this very silence on this “taboo” topic, this turn-your-head-away-because-it-could-never-happen-to-me mentality that causes loved ones to be mental, maniacal, suicidal.

I was the first family member in California my sister Lynn contacted when the unthinkable happened at her home in Fort Myers, Fla.

Last Saturday, I thought it was strange my sister was calling at 1:30 a.m. her time. I will never forget the bone-chilling, screeching voice as my sister cried in an unrecognizable voice, “Chris [her husband] shot himself!”

I couldn’t understand what was going on. “What? Who is this?”

She screamed repeatedly, “Chris shot himself in the chest!”

Worried about my nephew Drew, 12, and niece Serena, 8, I yelled, “How are the kids?”

“They’re not injured. I need you here! The police are here,” Lynn shouted as she hung up.

Shock… helplessness… disbelief… grief… sent tremors through my body.

I scrambled to call loved ones to help me sort through the foggy madness. I needed someone to grab the kids, hold them and tell them they’ll be OK.

Thankfully, we got a hold of a couple of Chris’ best friends in Florida, Mike and Stephanie Letourneau, to quickly retrieve the kids to make sure they were in loving arms as the police investigation was underway.

I booked the next flight to Fort Myers and feverishly searched online for “How to help grieving children” and “How to explain suicide to kids.” I also called my psychologist friends, Dr. Gladys Ato and Dr. Ron Holt, for counsel. (I sure didn’t want to say the wrong things and thwart the healing process or cause more anguish.)

When I arrived in Florida, I hugged my inconsolable sister, niece and nephew and promised them we would get through this together because we have awesome, loving and supportive family and friends.

I notice the awkward interactions that usually ensue as folks tried to console my family. What do we do? What do we say? How do we help heal? What if we say something wrong?

Four days later, my sister’s neighbor told me she wasn’t going to tell her kids. I feel this hush-hush, don’t talk about it, skirt-around-the-truth mentality is what teaches our kids to silence their natural state, hold back and bottle emotions and creates this vicious cycle of dishonesty.

I thought, “If we don’t tell the truth, talk and cry openly, we are closing off the communication that heals us all during times of grief.”

I had to pen this blog to share the amalgam of learnings, research and tips from grief counselors (thank you to all the pros who mirrored this same message.)

1. Tell the TRUTH. Many folks don’t like confrontation and would rather tell half-truths, white lies or complete lies altogether. If you don’t tell your kids, or decide to tell them a partial truth, trust me, the truth will eventually surface. My niece told her other 8-year-old (and younger) friends, “My daddy shot himself. I am sad. I miss him.”

During this already confusing time of grief, if parents don’t tell the kids the truth and the kids found out from others, I believe this causes distrust and breaks the comfort and openness kids desperately need during times of distress.

2. When talking to kids about death, use simple, easy-to-understand clear words. Don’t say “passed away.” Don’t say “went to sleep.” It confuses kids. Instead consider saying “died” or “killed.” Be honest. Children will express grief in different ways. Some through talking. Others will act out, scream and shout. Here is a good resource on how to talk to kids of certain developmental ages.

3. Encourage them to express their feelings and cry. Don’t hide your emotions and tears. Let them flow. Tears do wash away some of the pent up anger, resentment and sadness.

I cried in front of my niece and nephew, but ran out of the house when I was about to burst into an ugly cry. My nephew (remember, he’s 12) ran out to hug and console me and said, “It will be OK, Uncle Toan.” My niece (remember, she’s 8) told my sister, “Mom, don’t be sad. I don’t want you to be heartbroken, you could die of heartbreak.”

Another time, my nephew shared, “I got you a gift. Remember, you really liked this candle at the boutique? I wanted to get it for you.” He knows my fondness for candles, apothecary stuff. He knew it would calm me. I couldn’t believe that in a time of grief, he was thinking of caring for me.

Listen to your kids, they can teach us so much!

I noticed my nephew and niece were able to process some of the pain better after they began talking about their feelings. I encourage starting off the dialogue by telling a story about the person who passed away. I also noticed funny memories helped create some levity and lifted their spirits.

Dr. Ato and Dr. Holt both strongly recommended getting my sister and her kids to a psychologist with experience in childhood trauma as soon as possible, as the success rate is significantly better the quicker they can get professional help. My sister was still in shock and looked like a zombie when I saw her. She was in no state to make decisions. So I booked them a session with a psychologist fast.

Things I told/asked them:
– It’s OK to cry.
– They said they were confused. I told them I was, too, and encouraged them to talk about it so we could help each other understand.
– How are you feeling after losing dad?
– What are some good memories you had with him?
– Kids undergoing the trauma of losing a parent or guardian worry about being cared for. So I told them my family and I will always be there to take care of them and talk to them through all of their troubles and mistakes.

4. Reassure and tell them it’s not their fault. One stage of grief is blaming ourselves or feeling guilty. When dealing with suicide, tell the kids, “It’s not your fault. It’s the disease in his head that killed him. Not you.”

5. Let them know they are not alone and we will get through this together. Again (it’s important to do this again and again) kids want to be comforted and know they will be taken care of. Let them know you’ll always be there for them.

6. Oxygen mask first. When you’re on an airplane, you’re reminded in case of an emergency, the oxygen masks will drop and you should put your mask on first before helping others. Remember, you’re grieving too, so practice self-care. If you’re not well, you’re not going to do a good job helping your loved ones.

7. Breathe… this too shall pass. It may be a good idea to set a timer on your cell phone to remember you to breathe and focus on the present moment and the things you’re grateful for during this time of distress.

8. As one of my favorite poets, the late Maya Angelou, once said, “There is always a rainbow in the cloud.” Trust me, grief is like surfing. It hits you in waves. In 2000, I lost four family members in a year’s time. It does get better. If you are present, talk about your feelings and work through your grief.

Here is an interview I conducted with my dear friend Marianna Cacciatore, a grief expert. I love how she explains how grief leads to love and generosity:

Here are some additional links to helpful resources:
–“Helping your child deal with death” (KidsHealth)
–“How to help a grieving child” (The Dougy Center)

* Special thanks to everyone who has reached out, prayed, donated food and resources, opened their home and continue to send their love. IT is lifting us and allowing us to see light during these dark times.

* If you would like to help support my sister’s family, a friend has set up a GoFundMe campaign.

As my niece says, I love you (all) beyond the universe and back.

Love and light,
Toan

The post How to Talk to Children About Suicide appeared first on Go Inspire Go.

Happy holidays everyone! ’Tis the season to be jolly right? I don’t mean to be a Grinch, but for many, the holidays are anything but merry. For me and many people I know, it’s a time when the hustle and bustle of the holidays — the glistening lights, Christmas cards and holiday parties — force us to reflect on our losses. Loss comes in many forms: loss of loved ones, a break-up, losing a job, etc.

For many years, the holidays were anything but happy for me.

Every October, just before the holidays as the leaves change, so does my spirit. Joy is the antithesis of what I felt going into the holidays. It’s the time of year when families and friends gather for feasts and schedules are packed with celebrations. It also a time when I’m reminded of my loved ones lost.

My father passed away in October of 2001. I was living in Wausau, Wisc., at the time. I remember the phone ringing. On the other end, my brother’s unrecognizable stoic voice muttered, “Toan, sit down. I have some bad news to tell you.

“Dad was diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer. He has six months to live.”

The rest of the phone call was a blur. I was a reporter for the ABC local affiliate and I immediately met with my news director and told him I was going home to take care of my dying father.

Six long months ensued. Cold, dark, heavy emotions clouded my existence. Memories still haunt and taunt me, especially this time of year. The images remain fresh in my mind: shoving morphine down Dad’s throat, my Mom busting the door open in the middle of many nights, her face pale as snow, begging me to help her help my father get dressed as he was, yet again, getting rushed to the hospital because of the unbearable pain.

Six months after I got the call from my brother, my father passed away. I would lose three more family members in a year’s time: my aunt and both grandmothers.

Not a single holiday passes by that I don’t think of them.

So what do I do to get through this so called “holly, jolly, happy” time of year, a season that stirs up much of the grief?

I believe that all our experiences are like scattered dots. When we’re going through them, it’s hard to decipher the “Whys?” “How could haves?” and “Why me’s?”

Thirteen years since my personal tragedies, I can finally connect the dots thanks to my dear friend Marianna Cacciatore. She’s the author of “Being There for Someone in Grief: Essential Lessons in Supporting Someone Grieving from Death, Loss and Trauma,” host of the VoiceAmerica show “Ordinary People doing Extraordinary Deeds,” and former Chief Inspiration Officer of the nonprofit Bread for the Journey, but I know her as a wise, grounded, kindred spirit and grief expert. She’s someone you want want by your side when grief strikes. None of us are immune.

Again, when I use the word loss, I’m not just talking about grieving the loss of a family member or friend. Rather, it’s the loss of anything you may have experienced; a job, family, friend, sexuality, your preconceived notions of what others wanted you to be or as a parent, it’s losing your freedom when having children.

For the first time, Marianna is sharing her story of loss at a young age — the brutal murder of a best friend. Through this tragic experience, Marianna shares her unique perspective on how grief leads to generosity and love.

With the words, wisdom and voice remnant of Maya Angelou, Marianna eloquently explains the patterns she sees in the space of grief. She believes grief leads generosity and then — get ready for this — feeling a deep love. Now, what do the words “grief,” “generosity” and “love” have to do with one another? You’ll be surprised.

“I have observed that there is a natural relationship between grief and generosity,” she said. “And if the inspired impulse toward generosity is noticed and nurtured, it leads to an experience of belonging, connection and love that is life-changing and transformative.”

If you or anyone you know has or is experiencing grief and loss, please share this video with them, I know you’ll find it as cathartic as I have. This may be the best gift you can give to someone this holiday and all year round.

Grief is as unique as each person it touches. We all process and experience it differently. It gets scary, we lose ourselves in the emotions and there isn’t a clear route for any of us. But I can tell you first hand that Marianna’s observation holds true to my experience.

After letting myself grieve and heal over time, I took action when the time was right. Eight years after losing four family members, I felt a deep generosity that words can’t define. It transformed my life and changed the trajectory of where I’m at today and where I’m headed in the days to come. It sparked a curiosity, generosity and love through my passion work, my life’s work with Go Inspire Go, a multimedia movement to inspire kindness, compassion, generosity and action.

In the words of my wise friend Marianna, “It took time and concentration to learn to be there for someone in grief in a way that is welcomed and respectful. Lucky for me, I had great teachers. My deepest wish is that I have found just the right words to help you become a person who can be there for someone you know, perhaps someone you love, who needs your deep presence as they grieve.”

Marianna, thank you for being one of my greatest teachers and shedding light around a topic so taboo, dark and scary. Your bold words and wisdom, I will cherish in all my living days.

If you feel like this video and/or blog has helped you, please share with those you love, those who have lost and those who are lost in the shadows of grief.

Reflect & Act:

1. We’re naturally generous. Notice when the impulse to be generous shows up & ACT on it. Let us know what you did! Tag: @goinspirego

2. Know someone who has experienced LOSS, share this video.

3. Learn More: www.mariannacacciatore.com, subscribe to her email list and share her message.

Marianna is currently writing her second book about grief, generosity and love. It explores the many losses and perceived failures we experience in a lifetime and how, when we do our important and necessary interior work to heal from the wounds of loss and failure, we can choose to have our heart break open instead of apart. Stay tuned to her website, www.mariannacacciatore.com, for news of when the book will be released.

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The post Tea with Toan: A Conversation About How Grief Leads to Generosity & Love appeared first on Go Inspire Go.